so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
