I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
