omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
