i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Help me help you realize you are a moron
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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