I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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