So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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