I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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