Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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