so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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