That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
