C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
