ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
