Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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