Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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