dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
