Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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