Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
