just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
