I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize