just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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