You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Randomize
