Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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