He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
