Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
