You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
