My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize