I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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