My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
