if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
