Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
