We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
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I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
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Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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