Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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