When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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