420 ftw
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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