omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
