I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
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Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
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Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
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