I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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