i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
