well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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