He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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