I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
