the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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