She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize