my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
