Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I think I just shit out all my problems.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
