dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
