this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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