my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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