matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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