The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
