I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
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Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
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Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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