I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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