He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
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Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
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Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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