I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i used baking grease as lip gloss
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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