If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Little spoons don't ask big questions
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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