I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
