someone threw a dead crab at me
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
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