but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
